In the memory of

P.s: I'm writing this in the memory of this special dog, this unbreakable human animal bond that I wish not to forget and will always be the motivation for myself in veterinary field. 

A bad news received.

A dog that I recently diagnosed mast cell tumor that I gave poor diagnosis had pass away. 

I'm so sorry. 

When I told the owner that her dog was most likely diagnosed with mast cell tumor, it  is hard for me to tell her (histopathology will be more accurate but what I did was a fine needle aspiration and cytology smear, so I added "most likely"). She was sad. She loves all her dogs and cats. Telling her this bad news is hard for me. Telling her there's nothing much we can do for her dog is even harder for me. Because I know, she would go extra miles for her babies... But in fact, I can't do anything. Surgery is a big no and most likely the dog would die on the table because it has spread to lungs or it has other cancer along which could be lymphoma. .  Owner  asked me how long can her dog lives with this... I answered, it won't be long. And she asked again... I answered longest is 1 year. She tried to keep calm, hold herself in one piece in xray room but tears started rolling down her cheeks once she got back into consultation room. 

And I ran out of words. I stood there for not more than 2 minutes I guess but it felt like a decade. 

then I pat the dog, who has no idea what was going on, and smile looking at us... Then I mumbled, at least it still doesn't know, and no pain no suffer yet." Then the owner nodded. Does this count as consolation? 

It was yesterday ... The dog still can eat. Still barked at other dogs while waiting. And today, I received a message from my boss, the dog has passed away. 

I'm shocked. 

It's too fast. 

Way too fast. 

Till yesterday, none of us would think that we have to bid farewell this early. I'm sad. Boss consoled me by saying at least they are mentally prepared and we know the cause... But I'm still down. Knowing the cause but can't do anything. Useless I would say.

Rest in peace, my dear.
I will always remember you, who always smile looking at us human, bark at other dogs, who got aural hematoma because other dog keeps biting on your ear.. Your mum loves you a lot... And I feel so useless that I couldn't do much for you. I'm so sorry. I will always learn and improve myself. Thank you for appearing in my vet life. I'll miss you.