Just another day at work with sentimental feelings

I have a case that was presented to me few months ago.

A very happy Rottweiler, endure everything with smile. Won't attempt to bite. A beautiful dog with lovely family. Just there's some problem with the skin. A lesion that started with eczema, then became a lesion bit like  ringworms... 

I'm suspicious that it could be a skin cancer.. Did a fine needle aspiration, what I've seen under the microscope is not good. It is a type of round cell tumour, and together with the lesion like that, most likely it's cutaneous T-cell lymphoma.  Even so, I did not tell the owner right away. Because this bad news gonna break their heart. I need to double confirm, triple confirm.  I hate it when comes to moments like this, when I'm gonna deliver sad news to the people who see their pets not just pets but family members. So, I confirmed it with my friend who is now working at the clinical pathology lab (who is also a vet), and a oncology lecturer. And they both agree with my tentative diagnosis.


What's next? A phone call to deliver the news. They needed time  to digest and they wished to try with antifungal medicine first, but I asked them better go for a biopsy.

Then time passed. I called the owner few weeks later to follow up... She had went to another vet, and was prescribed with fungal medicine, and is doing fine....... And that awkward moment that she didn't know how to let me feel less embarrassed of the "wrong" diagnosis. And I was embarrassed of course because I was so sure and confident with my diagnosis, but I'm happy at the same time. I told the owner, "it's ok, no worry, we have the same aims, whatever that would make your dog better. "  I ask the owner keeps me updated.

Deep down, I'm talking to myself, "if it's tumor, it won't be responded with the medicine... I think maybe I was wrong. May be. Aiya. Nvm la, the dog is fine now."

Then few months later,, the owner came back to do all full body check up on another dog, and told me she lost her dog.

I asked her "why you didn't go for chemotherapy?"

She replied "we did... But in the end she can't take it more. The fungal medicine works at first, but it grows back again... And we request to do a biopsy, and it's cancer .. And went for the oncologist that you previously referred us to, and continue with chemotherapy... But I guess, it goes into thebody already. "


I'm very sorry to the owner for the lost. And the rudeness in me, that I doubted at them wether did they go for chemotherapy. I'm very sorry. She told me how hard it was for them to accept. And I'm sad too. Because I understand they really loves her...  It's heartbreaking even listening to the journey they went through...


So, my diagnosis was correct. But the dog died. The owner didn't blame me for not pushing them hard on doing the biopsy at the first place. But I feel sorry still.


Today, I put down a golden, because a very bad oral cancer that had metastastize to the lungs. But I didn't do a FNA on him....  I think, he can't cope with chemotherapy anymore at his stage. It was that bad that I accept their request to put to sleep from the owner when the dog is suffering. Owner asked me, when is the most suffering ...


 "When the dog doesn't wag his tail when he sees you, when the dog can't walk to you, when the dog doesn't eat anymore, when even breathing also seems difficult to your dog"


 So it seems today is the day.


Cytolog, is amazing. Cancer, is traumatizing. To everyone. The pets, the owners, and the vets.

In the memory of

P.s: I'm writing this in the memory of this special dog, this unbreakable human animal bond that I wish not to forget and will always be the motivation for myself in veterinary field. 

A bad news received.

A dog that I recently diagnosed mast cell tumor that I gave poor diagnosis had pass away. 

I'm so sorry. 

When I told the owner that her dog was most likely diagnosed with mast cell tumor, it  is hard for me to tell her (histopathology will be more accurate but what I did was a fine needle aspiration and cytology smear, so I added "most likely"). She was sad. She loves all her dogs and cats. Telling her this bad news is hard for me. Telling her there's nothing much we can do for her dog is even harder for me. Because I know, she would go extra miles for her babies... But in fact, I can't do anything. Surgery is a big no and most likely the dog would die on the table because it has spread to lungs or it has other cancer along which could be lymphoma. .  Owner  asked me how long can her dog lives with this... I answered, it won't be long. And she asked again... I answered longest is 1 year. She tried to keep calm, hold herself in one piece in xray room but tears started rolling down her cheeks once she got back into consultation room. 

And I ran out of words. I stood there for not more than 2 minutes I guess but it felt like a decade. 

then I pat the dog, who has no idea what was going on, and smile looking at us... Then I mumbled, at least it still doesn't know, and no pain no suffer yet." Then the owner nodded. Does this count as consolation? 

It was yesterday ... The dog still can eat. Still barked at other dogs while waiting. And today, I received a message from my boss, the dog has passed away. 

I'm shocked. 

It's too fast. 

Way too fast. 

Till yesterday, none of us would think that we have to bid farewell this early. I'm sad. Boss consoled me by saying at least they are mentally prepared and we know the cause... But I'm still down. Knowing the cause but can't do anything. Useless I would say.

Rest in peace, my dear.
I will always remember you, who always smile looking at us human, bark at other dogs, who got aural hematoma because other dog keeps biting on your ear.. Your mum loves you a lot... And I feel so useless that I couldn't do much for you. I'm so sorry. I will always learn and improve myself. Thank you for appearing in my vet life. I'll miss you.

Another door opened.

So the last post I was talking about myself being lost in my own life which I can foresee myself working in the clinic (either open up new clinic or profit sharing with others, but still working in the clinic), work till my last breath in the clinic, I felt lost.


Not that I hate my job, I love to have this knowledge and skill, but I want to see other places, I want to explore new destinations, there's so much more than just staying in 1 place remain stagnant. I'm not settled down. Not yet. For my twentieth, before I have commitments, let me try to travel, work and live at other countries. To live a life that has no regrets. If I really can't adapt it well, then I will get my ass back to Malaysia and start planing what my settled down life should be like.

So, I have been thinking of applying newzealand working holiday. This came across my mind when I first graduated. Postponed it because I'm afraid I may have slowly forgot the knowledge, bit by bit, lost the self confidence.


And surprisingly I got it. 1 of the 1150 lucky Malaysians.

You will never believe how amazingly I can get the pass. Because I renewed my passport on the same day, and a friend helped me edit the form online because I couldn't log in to the website anymore, and he helped me pay first. Amazing. I got it at 10.10am, and I saw people post the scheme was closed at 10.20am like that.

To those who tried applying knows how lucky I am.


So I will have my  working holiday  in newzealand. Hopefully can find a vet technician job to see how's western country practice like. And to see if I wanna go for MRCVS.


Malaysia, I love and hate you. This is the love-hate relationship.

The purpose of life

the title sounds very educating or motivating, as in I want to share with you what's the purpose of life.

But nope.


I wish you can share with me, what's the purpose of life. Because I'm looking for it.



With my profession, with my result, lots of people think that I will be a vet till I died. Not that I hate my job, I love my job. I love to be with dogs n cats.


But I always wonder, is it the only thing that I can do?


Being in the clinic 6 days a week, occasionally sunday duties.. Know nothing but only things happen in the clinic. Dealing with lives...

I'm not complaining... It's a holy job ( yet a sick job as well, ps you can read my recent fb status to know the story), from time to time, I received gifts and cards from clients as a token of appreciation, , helping others at the same time, make a living out of it.

But then, to settle down.....  I feel I have a lot of things that have not done yet. That I should have accomplished something, the check list or the play list.



The world is so big out there... Shouldn't I explore it before really settle down?


Then I got confused... If being a clinician vet is really what I want, why would I have doubts on my path.



I'm so jealous of those who knows what they want in life, What's their goals, what's their purpose on doing everything that they did.. Because I'm confused now..


Should I take a step back?