Like at present, I need to make a decision of where and which clinic I would wanna start up my virgin vet working life. It's equally nervous and a really big decision to make like virgin night wtfish hahaha.
But this post is not about my future career. It's about friendship. (as usual, I'm the emo friendship type. which I think it's more pros than cons because it means I value friendship.)
I have a friend. A friend that saved me from the depression. (A very mild one I would say, but she was there when I was suffocated with negative mindset about how fragile a friendship can be. Thus, I really like her and appreciate her. For without her, I don't know what I would be now.)
However, she has fence around her that she won't easily let anyone in. Because she had the same experience like mine too, and she took years to let go. May be because of how the depress-me looks so much like her, she talks to me, and pulls me out from what I had been through.
She is a person who sees relationship as the matter of utmost importance - Family and friends.
Tragedy happened and she got back to the old her.
And she keeps feelings to herself. She opts to suffer alone and heal all by her own.
And I made a decision that I most regret.
For not being with her. For choosing let her heal on her own. and think that it would be better for not forcing her to share with me. For being such a coward who afraid of being pushed away, being ignored by her. For not being shameless enough to stay by her side.
I have no doubt that she would heal. Since she had been through so much, there is nothing that she couldn't heal. I know she would not want to talk.
And I hate myself being such coward and opt the most convenient way to help her is being supportive in a corner far away from her *a.k.a not helping * As I know, no matter how hard one person push you away, they always needed someone to be there when the tears fall out even though it means you sitting quietly beside her.
So, I wait. and hope it heals before graduation.
So, I noticed, a smile and light laughter when I sit beside her in a rotation briefing. *right after it finish, she ran to no where I can find*
I noticed, she sit with us while having lunch. *damn happy, the whole gang is chilled*
I noticed, she refuse my help because I may get bitten by her patient. *she still cares about me*
I noticed her laughter while she preparing slides with one rotation mate. *and I was 10 meters away, it was loud enough to be heard. Good prognosis*
But the rotation mates still say, she won't talk much. She is like her usual self.
But to me, She is healing. =D
So, when comes to her birthday, I decided, to celebrate with her. *how much courage it is, because, I am seriously afraid that she would just ignore me holding the cake, and walk pass me like I'm just plain air.*
I know, if I didn't organise a celebration with her, it would be the new most regret thing in my life. Because birthday, it means a lot to her. Knowing the fact that we celebrate birthday with her, it's the least thing that we could do to let her feel warmth and remind her, we are still here. And I truly appreciate last year, her housemates celebrate with her.
So, on her birthday night, we light up the candle, and rushed into the house. END UP WAS BLOWN OFF BY FAN. stupin fan. Then we light up again, sang the birthday song. and she didn't push us away. She didn't walk pass us. She accept it. with smile on her face. =D
P/S: I'm not the only one afraid to get rejected. People even warn me for may not get what I wish to get. But guess what, #np The Best Day of My Life. Hahahahaha.
We chat for hours. I saw more smile, and more laughters heard during the night. More coming in future. =D
I had no idea how our future would be, but our friendship would last forever. If she didn't show up in gathering, maybe I should go to her house and tarik her out, or just being shamelessly ask her to cook for me. I really miss that old great days when I parasite in her house. And I know, she still remembers as clear as I do. Maybe clearer than me.
May God bless this beautiful soul and ease her path, she has been suffered too much.
Hope to see the cheerful-her soon.
with love mix guilt,
Chia Lin
