Emotional break down

Title says it all. Hahaha..

Continue read further if you wanna know it more. I warn you for the long and may or may not be bored to you.  And this is written with the most sincere side of me.

Here's the story.

I have been awarded with 2 awards in faculty of veterinary medicine in these 2 years time. I'm happy of it and proud of it, to be frank. But whoever got it would definitely feel the same with me. It's an honor to be awarded as it is more than just a reward of hard work in studying but faculty recognised our capability. Meanwhile overwhelmed with happiness, I'm scared and afraid of people seeing me as one of the top student in class. (because obviously I don't see myself as an extraordinary, clever student.) I'm nothing more than ordinary but may show higher interest than others and keen on learning in the subjects I'm interested. Thus, I started having stress this year for carrying that in the class.


Believe it or not, I never see myself as a clever girl. (I don't say that out in class anymore, because whenever I said it, people will be like: "aaargh Chia Lin~~ *roll eyes*"

My PMR result wasn't that good, SPM as well, didn't even get to squeeze into that "frame of proud" in my highschool. Just during STPM, which I'm highly motivated because I have decided I want to get into Veterinary Medicine. And just at the right time, 2 seniors got into Veterinary Medicine and it looks fun. It makes me even more dedicated to study hard, to get into Vet med which require not less than 3.75 CGPA  for STPM students. So, I scored with flying colors in STPM, came in as a 4.0 high scorer with first choice in Veterinary Medicine. Which is quite a rare case.

People knows about my result. But how many would really care about how much hardship I actually paid in it. I studied till 2am and woke up at 630am for the first half year. Then I got lazy what the fish lol, I slept at 12pm. But everyday right after class, I study. I had the initiative to form study group, whenever we were free, we revised. We always tests on each other. And I always asks questions in class. We only have 18 students in class. That was in form 6.

So, good results is not because I'm clever. It's because I'm hard working enough and I'm lucky to have a study group and people knows more than me, cleverer around me that willing to teach me. I appreciate God arrangement for me.

And one of my award is paraclinical, which form 6 knowledge covers a lot of the topic and help me in a much different way of thinking. That explained why.

And good results changed my life. Being chopped as a clever student slowly takes its effect on me,
as I more reluctant to ask question, because I afraid of my questions are stupid. (eventhough some lecturers did say, no question is a stupid question, So happy when I heard that, and I asks her lots of question after the class. hahaha.). And afraid of people see me in a way that, "You should have know this." And no one actually believe that you wasn't well prepared for tests, which I could understand about that too. So, I stop telling people "me too" when people came to me and tell me they are not ready for tests and look nervous for the tests.  Starts relied more and more on google rather than ask.  I don't like that. Why goes to google spent so much time on looking for information that the person right in front of you already know the answer and maybe can give you more idea with their experience.

Why? I mean that's not me.
And I feel the weight of it on my shoulder getting more and more heavy and starts suffocating me. I feel so out of breath and dislike myself being in that way.

Why would I so care about others?
Since when I start caring about other people see me as clever or stupid?
Why am I afraid of people comparing me with other students in the award board? 

Phunny~


Then thanks to an incidence that was just merely a joke which brought me to emotional break down state. Then only I realised, what was happening in me that I don't even recognise such stress in me before. I didn't see it coming but it was with me for months or even worse, years.

and after releasing that extra water in me, I do feel relieved.  As recognise the fear in you is another big step towards a better self. 

Thank you to the people who stimulate my emotional break down. Facing it now, is better than facing it in future which I foresee it would be more lonely where friends are dispersed to all over the country. 

And thanks to God for making it happened. 

Last, thanks to me, for having the bravery to write down this page as a reminder for future Chia Lin to see. How fragile I was. And how I grow up. 

Dear readers, I hope you enjoy reading it, and if you have fear in you, I hope you can recognise it too and face it. 

Cheers, for a better self. 

-xoxo-

Chia Lin 2013